The Holy Terror

Let it be known that I don't normally read historical romance. I'm not an expert on the genre and I don't claim to know everything, but this story was BAD. The hero was as stupid as the premise, and I wish I had never bought this book.The entirety of this novel revolves around the concept that Lord Vere, the male protagonist, is a complete idiot. He was given the opportunity to work for the Crown undercover and he chose to use a riding accident as his reason for his current less-intelligent state. He has fooled his friends and family for 13 years now. 13 years! I find it hard to believe that he could somehow manage to convince everyone of his idiocy for 13 years without any slip-ups. I also don't understand the need to make him an idiot in the first place, other than to somehow set this romance apart from the pack. Why couldn't he lead a double life as a normal guy and still solve crime on the side? Some say that the reason he continues with his stupidity is so that when he shows up in the wrong place at the wrong time, or is present at so many crime scenes, he won't be suspected of any foul play. I think that's a poor excuse though and one that ultimately ruined the whole book for me.Lord Vere's idiocy is supposed to be funny but the humor fell flat for me. There was one part where I cracked a smile at some dirty Latin, but aside from that I didn't find another humorous part within. Most of the time when he was acting like an idiot I imagined him talking like Goofy; "Gawrsh, what are you guys doing out here, gyuk gyuk," and obviously this didn't make him seem sexy like a romance hero should be. I suppose that's my own imagination playing a part though. Humor is subjective, so it's possible if someone finds him to be hilarious then they won't hate this book nearly as much as I did. Elissande is the heroine of the story, and even though I didn't hate her as much as Vere, I also didn't respect her. Elissande lives with her Aunt and Uncle; she takes care of her invalid Aunt while in a state of continuous fear of her Uncle. Now her Uncle doesn't beat her, he doesn't even raise his voice in her presence. He chooses to subjugate her by being horrible to her Aunt; he's forced her Aunt into an addiction and by doing so keeps them both under his thumb. I found Elissande's fear of her Uncle to be unjustified and contrived. I can understand anger and disgust, but not fear. She doesn't even witness him physically abusing her Aunt, she just assumes something else must be going on that she just hasn't seen for herself. Throughout the novel she's literally petrified of a man that has never done anything terrible in her presence, only done unspeakable things offstage - allegedly. I just never understood her level of fear, although I could understand wanting to get away from him.Elissande's reasons for going after a husband make sense; she wants to leave behind her oppressive Uncle and save her Aunt. After she has said husband though, she acts like he's her savior, which really sickened me. At one point she all but begs Vere to take her virginity so her Uncle can't claim the marriage wasn't consummated. He gets drunk and is horribly rude to her, thrusts once to break her hymen, and goes to sleep. Oh yeah baby, now that's sexy. What does Elissande say afterward? "Thank you, sir." Ugh, the whole thing just made me sick. Now Elissande tricks Vere into marrying her, that's apparent if you read the back of the book. When Vere first met Elissande he was captivated by her. He was also upset that he was going to have to be a clumsy idiot because he thought he'd finally found the girl of his dreams. But Vere quickly comes to the realization that Elissande smiles at him simply because she sees him as a viable option as a husband. Vere is playing this idiot character and so it's easy for him to spot Elissande's acting; she smiles and acts happy because that's how she has to be around her Uncle so he doesn't attack her or her Aunt. This pisses Vere off, apparently he's the only one that's allowed to have dual personalities. He's also pissed because she's ruined his image of the dream girl that he had in his head, and so he decides he's going to be the biggest asshole to her that he can be, bringing up embarrassing facts about her family and dragging her back to her Uncle after they're married. And even when Vere realizes that Elissande acts the way she does to not enrage her crazy Uncle, he doesn't think any differently of her. She apologizes for deceiving him and he doesn't care. He acts like a petulant child and for the life of me I can't understand why he did this. He kept comparing Elissande to this dream girl in his head and when she didn't measure up he decided she wasn't good enough for him, he even shut the door in her face when she asked to sleep with him. Who acts like that?Vere is a petty bastard almost to the end, and I found him completely void of any redeeming characteristics. Elissande and Vere's romance is stale, they barely know each other, but somehow by the end they're soulmates. There is no passion, and what few romantic scenes we get happen for the most part off-stage, although we are treated to one unexpected boner, oh ho ho, naughty. There's a secondary romance as well that I sort of enjoyed, but it almost felt like it had been thrown in as an afterthought. Also, this secondary romance spoils the ending of another one of her novels, Private Arrangements, so if you plan on reading that I'd suggest reading this one after, if you still want to.There was no climax for this novel, what happens with the villain and the twist at the end was stupid and pointless. Obviously I can't explain more without spoiling things, but I lost count of how many times I rolled my eyes reading the last 50 pages or so. What's really sad about everything is I actually think the author writes very well. She has a fluid style that's easy and quick to read. I really just wish she had written an entirely different book because now I'm not sure I could ever read anything else by her again.